The Good Divorce: A Model To Follow

by Ed Sherman


Experience and academic studies have helped us identify the basic elements of a successful divorce. "Successful" means completing the process of emotional separation, reaching a new center of balance as a single person, maintaining the welfare of your children, and establishing healthy attitudes toward yourself, your ex-spouse, and your past marriage.

Absence of conflict is not part of the ideal divorce. A degree of anger and conflict is natural, useful, even constructive. It helps to break the bonds of attachment and old patterns of relationship; it makes you think and reflect; it makes you change. But excessive and destructive conflict requires special treatment. The discussion of severe conflict and how to deal with it is found in Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better.

Apart from peace of mind, growth and other human values, there are very practical advantages to struggling as hard as you can to make your divorce better. The closer you can get to the ideals discussed below, the better it will be for you and your family:

* You will ease tensions and conflict

* You will have a far greater chance for compliance with terms of agreements

* You will save thousands in legal costs

* If you have children, you will greatly improve co-parenting and cooperation

Elements of a successful divorce:

1. Mutuality. Lack of mutual sharing in the decision to divorce is a primary cause of conflict in the divorce and post-divorce periods. In an ideal divorce, the decision is arrived at together. This does not mean that one spouse may not be sadder or more distressed than the other, but that both come to accept divorce as the best thing under the circumstances. The spouses should be mutually active in negotiating terms and in co-parenting. The most stable settlements occur when both spouses take an active role in the negotiations, not simply leaving it to a lawyer. A good divorce is an actively mutual enterprise.

2. Attitude. Each spouse should end up with a balanced view of the other spouse and of the marriage experience. There should be a sense of emotional and spiritual closure. You should be free of any lingering feeling of blame, guilt or failure. You want to create increased self-understanding, the ability to form healthy new intimate relationships, and a sense of self-confidence.

3. Children. In an ideal divorce, injury to children is minimized, primarily through maintaining good co-parenting relations. Children can literally be destroyed by fighting between their parents, so it is very important that parents be able to work together for the well-being of their children. When not resolved, conflict can go on for years, even after the legal divorce is over. Children must be free of the feeling that loving one parent is a betrayal of the other. They must be free of the thought that they are the cause of the divorce.

4. Setting goals. Trying to create the ideal divorce is like any other ideal you try to achieve, like ideal health or achievement in some sport. Your goals are something you work toward, but you don't want to beat yourself up every time you fall short. Just try your best. The closer you can get, the better and smoother your divorce will go, and the better your future will be.


About the Author
Ed Sherman is a divorce specialist attorney and award-winning author of How to Do Your Own Divorce in California. His books and software have saved millions of people billions of dollars in unnecessary attorney fees. Visit Nolo

Divorce Decisions - Find A Good Divorce Lawyer

by Ivan Cuxeva Jr

Finding a good divorce lawyer is critical to protecting your rights to children and marital assets. There are thousands of divorce lawyers out there; you need to choose carefully among them to secure the most appropriate divorce representation for you.

On Referrals And Finding A Divorce Lawyer

No doubt you know several people who have been through a divorce in your local area. Each one is sure to have an opinion and the name of a "great divorce lawyer". But it is not enough to rely on the advice of friends and neighbors.

Referrals are an excellent place to start looking for a divorce lawyer, in addition to the internet and local advertising resources, but you need to go further and do some research of your own. Why? Because your divorce is unique to you and your circumstances and it is essential that you find a divorce lawyer who can represent your needs and best interests. The best advice as referrals go is to choose the person whose experiences most closely match your own, make sure they had a positive outcome, and put their lawyer on your list of possibles, along with two or three others. Then set up an appointment to interview them.

What To Ask At Divorce Lawyer Interviews

Formulate a list of questions before your first meeting with potential divorce lawyers that are both general and unique to your situation. Some things you might want to ask...

During the initial call...

- Is there a consultation fee? - What is the lawyer's hourly fee? - How busy is the lawyer's schedule?

About the lawyer's background...

- How long practicing? - Does lawyer specialize in family/divorce? - Does lawyer have experience with cases similar to yours? Recently? - Experience with custody cases? -Settlement and meditation experience? - What is lawyer's style in court and negotiations?

About the particulars of your case...

- What strategy is proposed for your case? - Will lawyer handle your case personally or delegate to an associate? Can you meet him/her? - How long is your case expected to take? - What are the tax implications of your settlement? Will help be available as the case progresses to help you determine such? - Are you allowed to contact/negotiate with your spouse? - What is lawyer's prediction of case outcome (realize no guarantees can be made; beware if you are guaranteed anything!)?

About office billing and administration...

- What is expected as a retainer? How applied to your billing? - What hourly rate will you be billed? - Will you be billed for services of other personnel? - What additional expenses might be involved (travel, investigators, consultants, professionals...)? - Is the lawyer insured for malpractice (be sure that he/she is!)?

Regarding contact with your lawyer...

- How can you contact your lawyer (include emergency contact)? - How long will your lawyer take to get back to you when contacted (with some exception, expect returns calls within 24 hours)?

Note The Experience

During the interview, you want to note two things--your rapport with the lawyer and his or her responses. From there, narrow the list down to the one with whom you feel comfortable and well-represented. If you've not yet found that person, interview more divorce lawyers until you do.

About the Author
LaneAndAssociates and Jupiter Divorce Lawyer provide more information about the divorce process. Learn how a Florida divorce attorney or a Wellington divorce attorney can help you.

Divorce and Legal Separation

by STEVEN CARLSON

In the United States, there are statistics that indicate that half of all marriages will end up in a divorce or legal separation. Often people do not differentiate between divorce and legal separation. Both divorce and legal separation refer to the situation when a couple decides not to live together anymore. But being separated is much different than being divorced.

What does legal separation mean? Legal separation generally refers to a court order which acknowledges that a couple is no longer living together and that all the issues regarding the marriage have been resolved. A legal separation generally means that both parties reached an agreement concerning child custody, child visitation, child support, spousal support or alimony, distribution of property, attorney fees, and personal conduct. However, in a legal separation both parties remain married to each other. Indeed spouses who are just legally separated are not allowed to marry another person.

Divorce, also known as a decree of dissolution of marriage, is also a court order but it is for the purpose to dissolve or terminate a marriage. Both parties are allowed to marry another person following a divorce since they have returned to an unmarried status. An annulment differs from a divorce on the ground that this process is meant at simply canceling a marriage.

What are the benefits of a legal separation? Legal separation often takes place when both parties prefer to stay married for religious reasons. That’s why legal separation is often coined catholic legal separation since it preserves the religious marriage. Legal separation is not only pursued for religious reasons, but also for tax reasons. Unlike a divorce, the non-custodial parent may be able to deduct from his/her income taxes spousal support payments. Some also prefer not to wait for the state statutory waiting period for termination of marital status.

That’s one of the reasons why a legal separation is often pursued to set the parameters for dealing with one another while living separate and apart while keeping the married status, and leaving an opportunity for a reunion or resumption of marriage. However being legally separated is not a requirement before filing a divorce. In other words, a legal separation is not a prerequisite of the dissolution of a marriage or divorce.

If you are considering a legal separation, divorce, or dissolution of marriage you would be wise to consult an attorney who can inform you legally about your particular divorce or legal separation matter.

Children And Divorce - Protecting Custodial Rights

by Ivan Cuxeva Jr


Protecting your custodial rights during divorce starts early on--at the very decision to separate. Actions you take in the beginning could significantly impact who has the majority custodial rights and who controls assets like the home in the end.

In The Beginning

First and foremost, protect your child's well-being by remaining as civil as possible and not pitting your kids against your spouse. From the very first inkling of a separation, factor your children's welfare into every decision. Always be as amicable as possible, consider the consequences of your actions, and take your lawyer's advice before moving on an issue.

Particularly if you expect trouble, you should do your best to

- Stay in the house--difficult to be sure if your spouse remains in residence, however, moving out could cause you to forfeit custodial rights if for no other reason than maintaining continuity. - Consider a time-sharing arrangement--half the week at home for you, half for your spouse; this way, no one forfeits rights to residence. - Restrict children from leaving the state--discuss the need for a Temporary Restraining Order (TRO) with your lawyer; a TRO will prevent your spouse from moving the children to an out-of-state location which will complicate divorce and custody proceedings. - Do not allow your children to move from your home--make it clear that your spouse may leave and arrangements can be made, but the children should stay in the home. - Retain legal representation--before any custody and support decisions are agreed to; do not sign anything without consulting an attorney.

During Divorce And Beyond

Protect your kids by minimizing trauma and putting their needs first; this helps you, too, because it shows you to be a responsible parent with your children's best interests in mind.

- Do not display bitterness and anger toward your spouse - Do not criticize spouse before children; display respectful disagreement only when appropriate - Maintain a healthy, positive personal attitude as much as possible - Share visitation--both parents are important to the children - Reminisce about the good times and encourage your children to do so - Never let your kids feel they are responsible - Don't put kids in the middle and don't force sides - Maintain as much continuity in the kids' lives as possible - Communicate openly with your spouse and agree to continuity of care and behavior management

Remember that your children are not your investigators, and should not be relied upon as informational resources. As questions arise, be open, honest, simple, and direct. By being a loving, fair, and honest parent, you will not alienate your children, and you will not jeopardize your custodial rights to your children. For the rest, rely on your trusted legal counsel to lead you.


About the Author
LaneAndAssociates and West Palm Beach divorce attorneys provide more details about divorce procedures. Learn how a Palm Beach County divorce lawyer or a Florida Divorce Attorney can help you.